This past week, I was going through my daily Google Reader morning session (ah, the joys of not having class for the moment) and saw Tariq Nelson’s post on marriage among American Muslims. In Muslim circles, especially traditional, conservative ones, marriage is talked about a lot and talked about pretty early. One problem that is starting to occur among American Muslims though is unstable marriages and this has also gotten more attention in Muslim circles. The Muslim Alliance of North America (MANA) has a task force dedicated to creating healthier marriages among African American Muslims. The post I referenced earlier discusses a Washington Post article that discusses the difficulties in the marriage system of American Muslims. For instance, how do you get to know a prospective spouse without “dating”?
As I read the comments on Tariq’s blog, I was disturbed by some comments which suggested that marriage is for sex and that love shouldn’t play a role in Muslim marriages. For these commentators, marriage served primarily as a legal outlet for sex and nothing else. One commentator even went so far as to say: “Our ulamaa have told us that the object of marriage is permissible sex and this is the meaning of “love” when it comes to marriage.” I have to beg to differ with any scholar or Muslim who thinks this is the only objective of marriage. Yes, sex is part of marriage but is it the primary objective? Love has been part of marriages in the Muslim world since the time of the Prophet (saws) until the present. Allah acknowledges the love between spouses in 30:21. The Prophet (saws) had much love for his wives. The Taj Mahal is one of the greatest testimonies to love. Many of Umm Kulthum’s songs are about love, both fulfilling and heartbreaking. Love has been part of the Muslim world just as it has been part of the Western world.
The view that marriage is a contract that allows a man to fulfill his sexual urges reeks of sexism and even misogyny because it objectifies women and turn them into sex objects not worthy of actual, meaningful adult relationships. In fact, it’s harmful to men as well. This view of marriage dehumanizes both partners. There are animals who have monogamous, sexual relationships. If marriage is nothing more than that then how are we different from them? This view of marriage reduces marriage to nothing better than casual sex made on a more frequent basis. It’s a view of a marriage that I wholeheartedly reject and that I urge other Muslims to reject as well.
I’ve been married for two years and I see my marriage as a partnership. My husband is my life partner. He is my best friend. There is so much more to my marriage than sex. I knew from the beginning that I needed a partner who I could talk to about the deen, philosophy, politics, music, whatever. I needed someone for more than sex. Yes, love managed to get into the equation. I love my husband. No, it’s not un-Islamic, it’s not Western. I think it’s a beautiful and it’s the glue to not only my relationship but numerous relationships around the globe in every culture, Muslim and non-Muslim.
Charles Hassan Ali Catchings said,
June 3, 2008 @ 11:36 am
Good one sister, haven’t seen you over here in a while.
That article, or rather the comments bothered me too and it also angered me that so many men were either in agreement entirely or partly with the suggestion that love equals sex. Anyone growing up in America today should be able to see that sex does not equal love. As BAM what comes to mind are baby-mamas and other forays into disaster. But that is a classic example of transliterating the religion and what the scholars of old said in contradistinction to translating the religion and what they said. Some people are just idiotic and overly simplistic though so the former works for them.
Faith said,
June 4, 2008 @ 12:44 pm
Salaam!
Yeah, this past semester was really busy so I didn’t have a lot of time for the blog.
You would think that an Americans wouldn’t equate sex and love. Then again, I think some poor blacks unfortunately do. Baby mamas and temporary relationships are all they know. Thus, when they come into Islam, they find an interpretation of Islam that fits that view.
I encountered one brother who had been married five times, married to two women (at the time we spoke) who tried to hit on me! He told me I was too pretty not wear niqab (talk about Islamic flirting!) and then told me that if I was married to him, I would be wearing it. It was creepy. In the same conversation he called women “broads”! At that point I became really highly agitated. He then told me about how unstable his family life was as a kid and then the light bulb went off. Sad.